Monday, March 07, 2005

STRANGE THEORIES AND PREDICTIONS OF MINE

- Mentally disabled people, the kind we used to call 'retarded', aren't really the mentally challenged ones in our society at all. They're the normal ones, and we're the ones that are messed up. It would explain a lot. A lot of autistic kids are operating on a significantly higher plane of intellectual existence than the rest of us, right? Maybe they've reached a level of intellectual development that is optimal for homo sapiens; by comparison, we're still at the infant stage, clawing at the crib.

- We're all actually supposed to be left-handed. All of you righties may be in the majority, true, but so what? The majority rules, yes, but that just means that there are more of you guys, that's all. (Us lefties are more agile and crafty, however.)

- When we sleep, that's life. What we think of as the living part -- waking up, eating breakfast, going to school, watching Ricki Lake, fighting with our landlord -- is actually the dreaming part.

- Speaking of dreams, I suspect that we're all part of someone else's dream. I'm serious. Me, you, the guy who takes your subway token, the biology prof who smells like smoke -- we're all illusionary images, nothing more than the manifestations of the mental wanderings of a sleeping god (or what we could call god; her husband would dub it 'Ethel') who is suffering from a bad case of indigestion.

- There is a finite end point to the universe. Nothing can ever just begin, and nothing can ever not end, can it? (Except for Ulysses; that book is huge, and there's no end in sight for that baby, and I ain't cracking its spine any time soon.) Accordingly, I believe that there is, somewhere in the shadows of space, light years from here, an actual, honest to God finish line, kind of like the shimmering blue energy stream known as the Great Barrier that the Enterprise discovered in Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, except that that was located at the centre of the universe, not the end. Beyond this universal, galactic finish line is, well, hopefully, whatever created us all. Or whatever's left of it, anyways. (Because I also suspect that, if God did exist, He died a long time ago. Which would explain a lot of things. Or maybe He's just resting. And who knows? He may end up even looking a little bit like George Burns. Or Morgan Freeman.)

- Jerry Springer, despite the moron-level intensity and insanity of his show, is actually really, really smart. (He's the former mayor of Cincinatti. And any city that can even inspire such an inspired show as WKRP in Cincinatti could surely produce somebody like Springer.)

- I suspect I haven't spelled 'Cincinatti' correctly.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger is also really, really, really smart, and, if they change the Constitution, will one day become President of the United States.

- Pauly Shore is really, really, really not that smart.

- Cambodia will have another coup, sometime within the next ten years. I won't be here to witness it. (But I may take part in it.)

- Spike Lee will someday make his Jackie Robinson movie. I read the script for it a few years ago, and it's really good, and the trials, tribulations and triumphs of that man's life need to be told on the silver screen again, because a) it would make a great, great movie and b) I don't think modern America truly understands the pivotal role he played in moving that country forward. No man before or since had to go through what he went through, and the country progressed because of it. (And he played for the Montreal Royals before the Brooklyn Dodgers, and it would be cool to see 1940's Quebec on the big screen.)

- The really, really true account of J.F.K.'s assassination will never be written.

- The really, really true account of R.F.K's assassination will be written someday.

- Canada will have a minority/woman prime minister within the next twenty-five years. (We already had a female one. For awhile, anyways. A short while.)

- Everything we think we know to be true in this year of 2005, ranging from science to medicine to computers to philosophy, will, in a hundred years time, be viewed as hopelessly archaic,
naive and ill-conceived. (Not to mention laughably primitive.)

- Stallone will make Rocky VI.

- That feeling we get when our feet 'fall asleep' will be bottled and available for use as mace.

- Stallone will not make Stop!Or My Mom Will Shoot II.

- 99% of UFO sightings are complete bogus. It's that other 1% that intrigues me...

- Most people, down deep, are actually pretty good. (It's poverty that makes morality irrelevant.)

- Most people, down deep, don't really care that Dan Rather is retiring.

- Most people, down deep, haven't really missed this past hockey season. (Though they have missed Don Cherry.)

- Most theories and predictions, including mine, wither and crumble when faced by the strange and invincible quirks of life.

What's your theory? Or prediction?

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